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8 Rules for Writing a Holiday Letter While Caregiving
Patricia Bloom-McDonald • Dec 13, 2018

The holiday letter has traditionally been a way of letting extended family and friends know what’s going on in your life and the lives of your immediate family. While not everyone decides to send a December dispatch, many people do, particularly when an elderly loved one who is ill or can’t travel is involved.

The key to a well-written holiday letter is maintaining a delicate dance between truth and embellishment, reality and aspiration. Achieving this balance is a tricky task regardless of your circumstances, but it becomes even more difficult if you’re responsible for taking care of an aging loved one.

How do you tell friends and family about Mom’s declining health? Do you have to feign optimism for the sake of appearing calm and in control? What do you say to family members who you feel have abandoned you? If you feel compelled to write a holiday letter to friends and family this year, keep the following pointers in mind.

Make Your Own Rules This Holiday Season

Your first step is to stop, take a deep breath and decide whether you really want to write a holiday letter. Even if your yearly missive has been a fixture of the family festivities, you shouldn’t feel as though you have to keep doing it just because it’s a tradition.

“The holidays are a great time to stop and reflect on life,” says Cindy Laverty, caregiver coach, radio talk show host and author. “The year I chose not to get caught up in all the hype, everything changed for me. I began making my own rules.”

As a caregiver, you have enough on your plate already. Tweaking your holiday responsibilities so that you can actually enjoy this time of year is not just understandable, it’s often necessary. If you decide to go through with this plan, make sure you’re writing your letter for the right reasons. In other words, you’re doing so to update family and friends, to reminisce about the events of the past year, and to re-connect with people you may have fallen out of touch with. Letters that arrive with a wholly negative spin, even though they may be honest and heartfelt, are not likely to be received well or reciprocated.

What Story Do You Want to Tell?

Before putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), Laverty says you should ask yourself one question: “What would I write about my life and caregiving if this was the last holiday I spent with my loved one?”

Use this question as a starting point to determine the purpose and tone of your letter. It also helps to brainstorm some highlights or events that you want to mention in your letter before you begin writing.

Dos and Don’ts for Holiday Letters

Laverty offers the following suggestions for how to appropriately address sensitive caregiving topics in a holiday letter.

  • Do: Discuss Your Caregiving Responsibilities
    While it’s important to realize that you are more than just a caregiver, it’s equally as important to acknowledge the valuable role you play in safeguarding your loved one’s health and wellbeing. As long as you feel comfortable talking about the caregiving aspects of your life, don’t hesitate to include them in your letter.
  • Don’t: Engage in a Gripe Session
     According to Laverty, it’s essential to avoid using a holiday letter to lash out at those who may have been less than supportive of your caregiving. “This is not the time to try and make people feel guilty for not being there for you,” she says. However, this doesn’t mean you have to make caregiving sound like a breeze. Just be honest and keep things light.
    Laverty offers the following example of how to tackle this tricky subject:
    “As many of you know, I’ve been my Mom’s caregiver for the past year, and it hasn’t been easy. The good news is that I’ve learned a lot about Mom and about myself. Truthfully, some days are easy, others are more difficult, and some days I’d rather forget. If you ever become a caregiver, I’d be happy to share some of the tips and tricks I’ve discovered along this journey.”
  • Do: Talk about How Your Loved One Is Doing
    Friends and family—especially those who don’t communicate with you very often—will appreciate being updated on how a loved one is faring. Is Mom attending a new adult day care center that she enjoys? Has Dad made some progress in his rehabilitation since his stroke? Share the milestones and little victories that you and your loved one have had over the past year.
  • Don’t: Overshare
    Toeing the line between being honest and bogging down your readers with unnecessary details can be challenging. Because you are the one on the front lines, it can be hard to take a step back and figure out what to share and what to leave out. Laverty suggests keeping things simple. Share a few updates from the past year, mention something that you and your loved one are looking forward to over the holidays or in the new year, and emphasize that it would be nice to reconnect via phone or in person. If you want to give family and close friends an easy-to-understand update on your loved one’s overall condition (i.e. mood, memory, eating, sleeping, finances, etc.), you may want to consider filling out a care report and sending it along with your letter.
  • Do: Send Your Letter to Family and Friends
    After you’ve drafted your letter, you may be stumped when it comes to putting together your mailing list. The best way to determine whom to send your holiday letter to is to ask one simple question: Would you enjoy reading a holiday letter from this person? If the answer is yes, then they’d probably be a good addition to your list.
  • Don’t: Include everyone
    When it comes to holiday updates, close friends and family members should make up the bulk of your audience. If you really want to send a gesture to let someone know you’re thinking of them this season, but your full update seems like overkill, just opt for a themed or blank card with a short greeting inside.
  • Do: Reach Out
    One great thing about sending out a holiday letter is that it can help you reconnect with people you may have fallen out of touch with. Laverty suggests sending a personal note along with your letter to certain people, saying that you’d like to talk on the phone sometime or catch up over a cup of coffee. It can also provide you with the perfect entrée to casually ask for help or support.
  • Don’t: Assign Blame
     While it may be tempting to do so, a holiday letter is not the appropriate place to vent. If it helps, you may want to join an online caregiver forum or local caregiver support group to get any bitterness out of your system before sitting down to write your letter. As Laverty says, “If there is bad blood between family members, a holiday letter is not the place to express these feelings.”

Using a Credit Card When You Have a Special Needs Trust

25 May, 2023
A special needs trust (SNT) allows you to meet your needs while receiving government benefits, such as Medicaid/MassHealth and Supplemental Security Income (SSI). When you have a special needs trust, you can use it to pay for goods and services government benefits do not cover, such as therapy, education,and housing. Since receiving income directly from your trust would jeopardize your eligibility for benefits, your trustee cannot give you cash from your SNT. When you use a credit card for permitted transactions, and your trustee pays off the balance with funds from your trust, these payments to a credit card company are not considered income. An SSI or Medicaid/MassHealth recipient who is capable of managing their own affairs can therefore use a credit card to make small purchases, and the trustee of the special needs trust need not micromanage every transaction. In the past, beneficiaries of SNTs sent their bills to their trustees for payment. Today, an individual with an SNT who qualifies for a personal credit card may find that using a credit card is more convenient. Credit cards have several benefits. Using a credit card to manage payments from your special needs trust allows you to maintain independence, gain access to some of the advantages of a credit card, and easily keep records while preserving your eligibility for Medicaid/MassHealth and SSI. Although credit cards can help people manage their special needs trusts, there are also several important restrictions and considerations to keep in mind. Consult with a special needs planner to ensure all transactions are acceptable under the trust's rules and comply with government regulations. The Benefits of Using Credit Cards When You Have a Special Needs Trust If you have a special needs trust, using a credit card has many benefits, including: Independence : Allowing you to maintain your independence. You can use your card to make qualifying purchases yourself. Your trustee does not have to make the transactions for you. Access to the Typical Advantages of a Credit Card : Using it responsibly can help you establish or build credit history, which may be important for your future financial needs. Record-Keeping : Credit cards provide easy record-keeping and a convenient way to monitor transactions from your special needs trust, which can also help special needs trustees fulfill their duty to maintain records. When you use your card, your trustee can observe your purchases and ensure that all expenses are allowable under the trust’s rules. Your statements can help your trustee keep track of funds leaving the trust. Benefits Eligibility : While adhering to Medicaid/MassHealth and SSI’s income and asset limits, you can access funds from your SNT. Credit cards can help prevent your trustee from accidentally providing you with cash payments that could affect your eligibility for government benefits. Considerations When Using a Credit Card for Your Special Needs Trust While you can use a credit card to access funds from your special needs trust for certain transactions , restrictions apply. If your trustee sees a charge on your card that could affect your benefits eligibility , they can flag it for review. You cannot use your credit card to pay for food and shelter, which SSI would cover. When administering your funds, your trustee must ensure that any expenditures are for your sole benefit if you have a first-party special needs trust. While using a credit card is appropriate, you should not use a debit card. Debit cards are considered cash income. Best Practices When using a credit card for a special needs trust fund, remember several best practices. Choose a card with low fees and interest rates. Set a clear budget and monitor transactions regularly. Keep thorough records and receipts of expenses. Consult with your special needs planning attorney. A special needs planning attorney can help you navigate the rules that apply to your trust and understand how to use a credit card to preserve your Medicaid/MassHealth and SSI eligibility. 

How an ILIT can help offset estate taxes

12 May, 2023
With the Federal estate tax exemption possibly about to be lowered, it may be time to think about steps you can take to keep your estate from being taxed. An irrevocable life insurance trust allows you to pass on money to your heirs while avoiding both the federal estate tax, as well as any applicable state estate tax which is currently $1 million in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Senate Democrats have proposed lowering the current estate tax exemption from $11.7 million for individuals and $23.4 million for couples to $3.5 million for individuals and $7 million for couples. While it is unclear if this proposal will pass, it is likely that some change to the estate tax is coming. Even if Congress does not take any action, the current rate will sunset in 2026 and essentially be cut in half, to about $6 million per individual. In the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, the current estate tax exemption is $1 million for individuals and is taxed at dollar $1.00. A proposal to raise it to $3 Million and the tax to start at $3 Million (not at $1.00) has been submitted in the legislature but has not yet been voted on or enacted. One way to make up for any estate tax your estate may have to pay is by setting up an irrevocable life insurance trust [ILIT]and funding it with a policy that has a death benefit that would pay your heirs some or all of the amount your estate will be taxed. If you purchased such a life insurance policy directly, it could end up being taxed as part of your estate. But if a trust owned the policy, it could pass outside your estate. While a life insurance trust can be highly beneficial, it is also complicated to set up and maintain properly. The following are some of the requirements: Trustee . If you are setting up the trust, you cannot also serve as a trustee. If you are the trustee, you have control of the trust, which could lead to the trust being included in your estate. You will need to name another trusted person or financial institution to act as trustee. Policy ownership . The trust must own the life insurance policy. If you transfer an existing policy to the trust and die within three years, the policy will still be considered a part of your estate. To avoid this risk, the trust can purchase a policy directly rather than receive an existing policy. Premiums . You need to transfer funds to the trust to pay the policy premiums, which creates an issue with gift taxes. A transfer to a trust is usually not subject to the $15,000 yearly gift tax exclusion. For a gift to qualify for the exclusion, the recipient must have a "present interest" in the money. Because a promise to give someone money later does not count as a present interest, most gifts to trusts aren't excluded from the gift tax. To avoid this, you can use something called a “Crummey” power which gives beneficiaries the right to withdraw the funds transferred to the trust for up to 30 days. As part of the process, the trustee needs to send them a letter, known as a Crummey letter, letting them know about the trust funding and their right to withdraw the funds. After the 30 days have passed, the trustee can use the funds to pay the annual insurance premium. You run the risk of the beneficiaries withdrawing the funds, but if they know that by allowing the money to stay in the trust they will receive more money later, it shouldn’t be a problem. Beneficiaries . The beneficiary of the life insurance policy is usually the trust. Once the funds are deposited in the trust, the trustee can distribute the assets to the beneficiaries in the way specified by the trust. For example, if your beneficiaries are minors, you can wait to have the trustee distribute the assets. Keeping the assets in the trust will also protect them from your beneficiaries’ creditors. The downside of an irrevocable life insurance trust is that you do not have the ability to change it once it is set up, although the policy would effectively be canceled if you stopped paying the premiums. If you are considering this type of trust, discuss it with your attorney.
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